One of Ted’s and my favorite lunch restaurants often has a waiting line for seating.  As an alternative to waiting for a table to become available, the restaurant has what it calls a “community table.”  The community table seats ten and almost always has vacant chairs.  If you don’t want to wait in line, you can usually be seated immediately at the community table where you get the same food, the same service, and a chance to meet new friends.

Today, while Ted and I were waiting for a table, we heard a server offer an incoming party the opportunity to be seated at the “communion table.”  I don’t think so–unless it offers forgiveness of sins, as well as bread and wine, with lunch.

My favorite radio personality on Sirius XM radio is Phlash Phelps.  He’s been everywhere in the U.S., although he admits he’s still “missing” sixteen parishes in Louisiana.  He plans to visit them within the year.  Last year, he visited all 50 states because it was his 50th birthday year.

People call in to the show and say, “Hi, Phlash!  I’m calling from Themiddleofnowhere.”  Phlash will respond with something like, “That’s right near Youneverheardofthisplace and they’ve got a 50-foot tall sculpture of a salt shaker made out of stainless steel margarita glasses in the town square.”  Of course, this is a little bit of hyperbole but, seriously, he knows something about every two-bit town the people call from–and it’s always something interesting.  I know there’s probably a few-second delay on the phone call being broadcast to prevent trouble with the FCC, but it doesn’t sound like Phlash takes time to look up the city and its attractions before airing the conversation.  Sometimes I’ve googled the attractions he talks about because I think Ted and I might like to see them.  Every one I’ve googled has been real.

Unfortunately, Phlash messed up yesterday.  The caller was from Duluth, MN and Phlash immediately asked if the caller was planning to drive U.S. 61.  Phlash mentioned that the highway begins in Duluth and has some spectacular views of Lake Ontario.  Oops!  Duluth is on Lake Superior.  It’s the first time I’ve been tempted to call in to a radio show, but I got out of the car and had lunch with my friend instead.

Tonight’s TV news included a report about Puerto Rico in the aftermath of hurricane Maria.  Mr. Dumbclutz told us that about half the population of the island is without “pot”-able water.  Uggghhh!  Wouldn’t you think that if the word was unfamiliar to him, he might have looked it up or asked a friend how to pronounce it?  Maybe he should watch Jeopardy! more often.  The show often has a category titled “Potent Potables”–pronounced poh’-tent poh’-tah-bulls, not paht-ent paht’-ah-bulls.

Robin Cook needs to change publishing houses.  After finding two (what I’d call serious) errors within a few pages of text in Cook’s “Foreign Body , I found another erroneous word in Cell, another book of his.

If he’s eating the food rapidly, rather than mocking it, the word should be “scarfed.”

I don’t know why I ever watch the news.  Newscasters–both national and local–provide daily examples of terrible grammar and word usage.  I can only surmise that the people who hire the on-air talent have equally poor English-speaking skills, so don’t realize what incompetent people they hire.

While preparing dinner tonight, I heard all of the following in less than 30 minutes of newscasting:

• A water main connecting the city water line to multiple housing units broke today.  This is an expensive repair and the question was “Who is responsible for the repair bill?”  Unfortunately, the private property owners will have to bear the cost.  Miss Woo-girl gave us a phone number to call if we want to find out whether or not our house is under a similar multiple-residence water main.  Question:  How many houses does she think are under a water main?

• Mr. Handsome then introduced the next story by telling us “A family was shattered by a bullet today.”  I couldn’t help picturing a family broken into pieces like a porcelain vase, and wondered how a single bullet could do that to humans.  (Making this a ridiculously inaccurate sentence.)  More information told us that two siblings were playing with a loaded gun in the house and one shot and killed the other–a seventeen-month-old toddler.  While the family’s peace of mind might have been figuratively shattered, the family members were still physically intact.  Note:  I sympathize with what this family is feeling now, but I think they deserved a much better and more accurate lead-in line to this story, such as “A family is grieving today . . . .”

• Finally, back to Miss Woo-girl to introduce the weather.  It was 98 degrees today and a cold front is coming through, so thunderstorms are popping up in the area.  Miss Woo-girl transferred narration duties to the weatherman with the line, “So, Chris, tell us about those severe storms out there.”  Thankfully, the weather man is probably 20 years older than Miss Woo-girl and knows his stuff.  He gently corrected her by saying that none of the storms is actually severe, although a few are stronger than others.  Note:  I know from Ted that when there is a severe weather watch or warning in effect, all civil defense entities are notified so that appropriate actions can be taken for public safety.  This involves everything from blowing sirens to notifying hospitals and strategically placing ambulances and fire trucks in the affected area.  Trained storm spotters and ham radio operators are called in to assist with observations and communications, and extra employees go on duty in a vast assortment of community agencies.  I get frustrated when TV people imply that just because there’s thunder, the storm is severe.  They use the word “severe” so often–even to let us know when the storms are not severe–that they are like the boy who cried wolf.  I’m afraid people will begin to tune out the word “severe” and will not take heed when it’s important for their safety.

Yes, I’ve got to stop watching the news.  (But I probably won’t, because it provides me with a plethora of examples of English language ignorance.)

Ted and I went out to dinner a few weeks ago.  Like so many other entities, restaurants don’t proofread their copy.

When Ted and I were first married, I worked for three years as a writer-editor for the U.S. Bureau of the Census.  I was one of three writer-editors in the department where I worked, and the expectation was perfection in print.  This was in the early 1970s, before PCs and spell check.  After writing and before publishing, we worked in a proofreading team of three, taking turns with one of us reading aloud and two following along looking for errors.  A lasting result of that job is that it sometimes spoils pleasure reading for me because I’m so well-trained to find errors in text.  (Not to mention being a grammar nerd with two college degrees in English.)

I’ve found lots of textual errors over the years, including factual errors such as the lady who took a coach from London to Dublin (not easy over the Irish Sea), as well as simple misspellings of homonyms and other “real” words that don’t make sense in the text, but don’t trigger spell check.

I found two pretty big errors within a few pages of each other while reading Robin Cook’s Foreign Body over the weekend.

Octaves go higher and lower in tone, not louder in volume.  Let’s replace “octaves” with “decibels” here.

She’s flying from Los Angeles to Delhi, India.  Depending on when you leave (orbital distance can vary), it only takes 7 months to get to Mars!

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch used the non-word sillily on the front page of its sports section last week.  It reminds me of the Parisian bus with the “slididing” top and the “screeninings” available at the Lions Club.  I think slididing and screeninings were probably typos, but I have a hunch this sportswriter thought he needed to change the adjective silly (the kind of hair extensions) to an adverb, even though it does not function as an adverb (how, where, when).  He changed the y to i and added -ly.  Well, at least he knows how to form adverbs, even if he doesn’t know how to use them.  Aaarrgghh!

Much of the local evening news tonight addressed flooding rivers and road closings.  One reporter noted that all roads to a particular area were under water, leaving that area “landlocked.”  Of course, that reminded me of Inigo Montoya’s line in The Princess Bride.

Today, March 4th, is National Good Grammar Day, so “march forth” and use good grammar.

Ted and I were out shopping last night when I spotted this sign.  It reminded me of the bus with the “slididing top” that we saw in Paris last summer.

Ted stopped at Huck’s today and noticed that the bargain price of the Bigg Swigg has gone up $0.001.  It’s not such a bargain any more.

Still less than a penny, but it used to be only .79¢

Seriously, Huck’s marketing department missed the editing error twice??  At least they saved money by not reprinting the entire sign.

Who doesn’t love reading the Grammarly blog (http://www.grammarly.com/blog)?  Really?  Not everyone?  Well, no matter.  Fortunately, I read it regularly and can share grammar wisdom with my handful of readers.

Today, I learned about eggcorns–words that sound similar to and have a meaning that sort of works in place of the original word.  (Who knew there was a real word for errors like this?  Thanks to Grammarly, now we do.)  The term eggcorn appeared in an article by a linguist in September 2003 and described the case of a woman who used the word eggcorn instead of acorn.  To qualify as an eggcorn, the substituted sound must preserve at least some sense of the original word.  Eggcorn appeared in the Oxford English Dictionary in 2010 and Merriam-Webster recognized it in 2015.

Lip singing is an example of an eggcorn.  Lip singing involves people moving their lips as if they were singing, and sounds a lot like lip syncing, the original word.  Another example is old timer’s disease which sounds like Alzheimer’s disease and mostly affects the elderly.  Eardropping means that you are listening in on someone else’s conversation, much like eavesdropping.  A self-refilling prophecy not only fulfills itself, but apparently does so repeatedly.

There are some other types of errors that don’t count as eggcorns.  One is the mondegreen, which is similar to an eggcorn, but misconstrues the lyrics to a song or other type of performance, such as “Hang on, Snoopy (Sloopy)” by the McCoys.  Listeners (me) of Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival might hear “There’s a bathroom on the right” for the line “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”  (Again, who knew there was a real word for this?)  Another type of error is the malapropism, which features a similar substitution of sounds, but results in a word or phrase that doesn’t make sense within the context.  “Illiterate (obliterate) him from your memory” and “comprehending (apprehending) criminals” are malapropisms.

Tonight, I heard an eggcorn in actual usage when the TV newscaster unwittingly referred to the students’ after-curricular activities, rather than using the original term, extra-curricular activities.  My all-time favorite eggcorn, however, is a word Kari used when she was about five years old:  rememory.  It’s so good, I sometimes deliberately use it when I have a rememory.  I personally think rememory is an excellent word, and I’d put it on an advanced eggcorn level because it uses similar sounds of two related words to make a combined meaning of remembering a memory.  Go, Kari.  You rock!

This is a poor quality picture, but I found it online and word nerds like me can’t resist such a redundant, yet accurate sentence.

My friend, Mandy, sent this to me on Facebook because she knew I’d enjoy it.

Mandy pictured this mug filled with beige caffeine. Weird.

Today, an American Airlines jet blew out a tire and had an engine malfunction at O’Hare Airport.  A fire broke out and all passengers were evacuated, with only a few sustaining injuries.  Ms. Ditz, the perky, young TV news reporter on the scene, told us an expert source had assured the media that events like this “seldomly” occur.

Adverbs tell us when, where, and how (e.g., later, inside, almost).  English grammar rules allow us to form some adverbs by adding –ly to adjectives (e.g., beautifully, softly, quickly), but who knew we had to do that to words that are already adverbs (e.g., seldom)?

Fortunately for her, Ms. Ditz appeared to be untroubled about sharing her ignorance with her viewers.  Perhaps, if she knew anything at all about English grammar, she might even be proud of inventing a ninth part of speech:  the redundant adverb.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

Huck’s has the best deal I’ve ever seen for a beverage.  Do they not know that you use either the dollar sign and a decimal or the cents sign?  Apparently not.  I think that, legally, the beverage has to be sold for the advertised price.  In reality, probably no one else will notice this error.  Maybe I could make money in an editing job like I had when we lived in D.C.  There’s definitely a market for good editors.

Yep, less than a penny for up to 32 ounces.

Hurricane Matthew is affecting many parts of the country in a variety of ways.  I learned from tonight’s evening news report that there was a possibility of moving some F-18 jets from South Carolina to Scott AFB near St. Louis.  Why?  According to Ms. Dimwit, the reporter, the move would “help protect those pricey jets from Hurricane Matthew.”  Yes, she described F-18s as “pricey” in her professional (?) report.

A few minutes later, Ms. Dimwit told us that, in honor of a local policeman who was shot and killed when he responded to a call, the local football team in his neighborhood would begin tonight’s game with “a fifteen-second moment of silence.”  Who knew that a moment could last for a specified period of seconds?

This kind of reporting drives me crazy!  Whatever generation these twenty-somethings are (Gen X?  Y?  Z?), they are certainly not learning much about English grammar in school.

As usual, I’m reading a book.  The hero has just taken the heroine away with him and confesses that “If I’d had to, I would have wrapped you in bailing wire and carried you off.”

Obviously, the author, the editor, and the spell-checker are unaware that hay bales are held together with baling wire.  Aarrgghh!!  I hate coming across stupid stuff like this in the middle of a good plot!

We recorded some Stephen Hawking specials in which he sets up theoretical problems and then has people solve them to gain an understanding of the universe.  The first show we saw addressed the possibility of time travel.  The one we watched tonight was about the possibility of life on other planets.  The people addressing the theoretical questions are “ordinary” (i.e., not Stephen Hawking genius level), but not stupid.  And yet, one of them mentioned in her analysis of the situation that the planets orbitate around the sun.

Yes, orbitate.  Where do these people learn English?!

In the book I’m currently reading, the women are getting ready to attend a movie premiere.  One tells the other, “Trina’s got this idea for my hair, and this whole new eye pallet.”

She’s going to look strange at the premier with a mattress or a wooden platform on her eyes!  My advice to her:  find a makeup artist who will use a palette instead.

A Fox News report described Donald Trump’s plan to pay for his proposed U.S.-Mexico wall by cutting off the flood of money being sent home by Mexican immigrants and using that money to build the wall.  The screen caption read:  “Boarder Wall Funding.”

So Fox thinks there will be housing accommodations within the wall?  Aaarrrggghhh!!!  Given my experience with ESL students, I’m willing to bet they speak (and spell) better English than Fox News.

Brown’s son joined Brown’s company, so Brown decided to change the name of the company to “Brown and Son” and to have a new sign made for the shop.  When the sign maker showed Brown the new sign, Brown complained, “It’s too crowded.  There should be more space between Brown and and and and and Son.”

Thanks, Steve, a fellow grammar nerd.

The local evening news tonight reported on the murder of a pregnant third-grade teacher in her home.  Of course, neighbors were interviewed and appeared in the news report.  One neighbor described himself as shockified.

I don’t know what to say to that, except perhaps, that I’m shocked.  Or, per James Bond in “Goldfinger,” that I find his vocabulary “shocking, simply shocking.”

Today is National Grammar Day.  “March 4th”–get it?  Woo-hoo!

Well, sometimes . . .

Irony is when someone writes “Your an idiot.”

Learn grammar.  Insult properly.

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

Tonight, on 60 Minutes, Scott Pelley reported on the Social Security Administration’s Master Death List.  Problems with the list include identifying live persons as dead, as well as failing to record deaths, in which case Social Security benefits continue to be paid.

Mr. Pelley informed us that part of the problem lies in the fact that the SSA “uses a nineteenth century record-keeping system.”  Mr. Pelley then exhibited a well-worn magazine file box, read the label on it to prove its antiquity, and told us that the paper records in that box “are, in fact, from 1912.”

A journalist of Mr. Pelley’s caliber ought to know that 1912 falls in the twentieth century.  This kind of thing happens so much in serious broadcast and print media, it should be no surprise to anyone that the United States continues to fall in worldwide educational rankings.

And that’s just sad.

Today we went to a matinee and saw Eddie the Eagle, the story of the British underdog ski jumper who made it to the 1988 Calgary Olympics Winter Games.

It’s a gross understatement to say that Eddie had serious physical problems with his knees as a child and was not predisposed to become an athlete.  His dream, however, was to prove everyone wrong and to participate in the Olympic Games.  In the movie, after Eddie fails in yet another of his many adolescent endeavors to succeed in an athletic activity, his dad remarks that, “It’s only a matter of time before he walks through that door in a wheelchair.”  (????)

In spite of that non sequitur statement, it was a good movie and we enjoyed it.

According to the TV newscast, the Lake St. Louis fire department needs a tax increase.  The reporter informed us that the department’s newest fire truck is 18 years old and constantly needs repair.  For example, she said, the speedometer is broken, so the firemen have to write down their mileage.  Question:  Why don’t they look at the odometer?

It gets worse.  If it’s the odometer that’s actually broken, how do the firemen know the distance they’ve traveled so they can write it down?  Do they really do the math to manually record the mileage?  If a fire truck travels for 15 minutes at 25 mph, . . . 

With reports like this, the main thought in the reporter’s head must be “If I only had a brain!”

While driving today, I passed a store that specializes in selling alcoholic beverages.  The store’s roadside sign advertised a “Liquer Sale.”  Raise your hand if you agree that people ought to know how to spell what they do for a living.

A Fox news reporter told us last night that three offenders escaped from a California prison.  According to the reporter, they used power tools to access a drop point, then tied bedsheets together and repelled their way down.  I assume the repelling force kept them from hitting the side of the building as they rapelled to the ground.

As a bona fide grammar nerd, I regularly read the “Grammarly” blog.  This week’s blog had some entertaining sentences, one of which was:

“The man the professor the student has studies Rome.”

This sentence conveys that the student has a male professor who studies ancient Rome.  The embedded information in the center of the sentence is grammatically correct, but confusing.  Given the fact that this is a grammar blog, I couldn’t help groaning at a reader’s comment that asked, “Haven’t you heard about comas?”

What makes English grammar fun?  The fact that the following sentence makes sense!

“All the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life.”

From a TV ad:  “I used to hate being called ‘Grandma.’  Now I love it.  Especially when it comes from my grandkids.”

Question:  Who else would have called her “Grandma”?

The heroine of the book I’m reading inherited a sapphire and diamond necklace with a “big, round, deep blue sapphire in the center” and (get this!) “two other smaller, but equally huge, diamond-surrounded sapphires flanking it on each side.”  Well, are the flanking sapphires smaller than the center stone, or are they equally huge?  They can’t be both.  And where else would they “flank” the center stone except on each side?  Nonsensical stuff like this drives me crazy!

Really??!!  Corporal tunnel syndrome?  Would that be outranked by sergeant tunnel syndrome?

Tonight, both The Daily Show and The Nightly Show spoofed a prisoner in “Ma-‘nit-o-woc” County in WI.  Ah, that would be ” ‘Man-i-to-woc” County.  One of my big pet peeves is the version of English used in broadcasting.  Maybe those money-making networks could hire an underling to call the county court house for the purpose of checking the pronunciations of unfamiliar place names.

P.S.  When reporting on the St. Louis area, newly hired newscasters should verify ” ‘Flor-is-sant” before going on air and saying “Flor-‘iss-ant.”